[M]y only qualifications … are having read several books about marriage and experience from my own marriage, now in its 30th year…
- “… a misconception: … to make a marriage work, you have to find the right person. The fact is, you have to be the right person,…
… students … interview friends about their … weaknesses, and discuss what triggers their … reactions … in order to understand their … hot buttons… “Being blind to these causes people to experience problems as due to someone else—not to themselves,” Solomon explains. “We all have triggers, blind spots, growing edges, vulnerabilities. The best thing we can do is be aware of them, take responsibility for them, and learn how to work with them effectively.”
- … blaming, oversimplifying, and seeing themselves as victims are all common traits of unhappy couples and failed marriages. …
- … frame statements as “X, Y, Z” statements, rather than finger pointing: When you did X, in situation Y, I felt Z….
Here are a few of my own thoughts on marriage:
- There are a huge number of dimensions on which one might wish to be well-matched with one’s spouse. There is no way you are going to be well-matched on all of those dimensions.…
- The reputation you have built up with your partner for telling the truth about objective facts is a precious asset in any relationship. …[T]here is bound to be some way to tell the truth. (If you can’t think straight, say “I can’t talk about this right now,” rather than lying.) The more subjective realm of revealing what is in your heart is trickier; seize moments when you will be able to express yourself well and be well understood. It is worth working toward being known.
- In an argument, if each partner comes back with 101% of the irate heat the other just gave, things will explode. But if each partner ratchets down the intensity to 99% of the intensity of the last remark, things will eventually calm down.* So a small difference in reaction pattern can be the difference between an explosion and something that simmers down.
* Math note: To pursue the logic a bit more, if your partner is coming back with 125% intensity on each round, you are going to have to return less than 80% intensity on each round to avoid an explosive chain reaction….
Posts tagged with anger
It’s much easier to destroy than to build. I can destroy not just one £30,000 car, but all the £30,000 cars in a car park, with a little planning and maybe a few hundred expenditure. And I could do a decent job of destroying a car with only £20.
Nothing in his pockets but knives and lint.
Same with houses—fire for example is a very effective tool per-effort for ruining lives. Four skinny pirates with a modicum of guns & ammo can hijack a vessel that cost $10 million or $100 million to build.
Despite it being so easy to destroy, where I live things are quite peaceful. Nobody slashes all the tyres in a car park, for example. Why? Economic theory says that when the cost of something goes down we’ll see more of it. Shouldn’t this be true as well for the destruction of other peoples’ lives & property?
- "I wanted to be pissed about my breast cancer"
- "They wanted to be angry about being laid off"
- "It’s untrue that a positive attitude boosting the immune system increases the odds of withstanding cancer" "I have a Ph.D in cellular immunology"
- “Quantum physics become an excuse to mock all of science”
- "I didn’t come out of cancer more spiritual or a better person. If anything I’m a little meaner and more cynical"
- There is no “real world”, there’s
the real world through my positive moodand
the real world through my bad mood.
Smile or Die by Barbara Ehrenreich